Anybody else wondering what sort of nonsense has led to our doing a season-finale type recap show only four episodes into the second half of Season 3, Dance Moms nation? Were Cathy and Abby otherwise occupied? Did 10tensity Dance suddenly fold? What gives?
To launch Dance Moms Chatter Part 1, Jeff Collins, Executive Producer Superstar — who’s sporting a snappy new GQ ’do — says we fans just can’t get enough of the drama (oh yes, we can, JC. Yes, we can) and starts out with a collection Abby’s most obnoxious moments. Highlights include her making Maddie cry and being labeled Monstrosity of Evil. Without conflict, there wouldn’t be any show, JC reminds us. Like, literally, brother. I’d like to suggest that without dance there wouldn’t be one either, but this entire season is pretty much on the fast track for proving me wrong.
Kelly and Christi join JC onstage just in time to talk about Abby’s love life. We learn that Abby may have two boyfriends. We also learn that Bus Driver Jim take Abby to the movies on the bus whenever they’re at competitions. No word if he counts as one of the boyfriends.
JC presses onward about the boyfriend in L.A. — which I’m guessing is her professional partner John Corella — and Christi says that he’s really just a friend who is interested in seeing himself in the tabloids.
Speaking of “just a friend,” JC moves on to Kelly and Christi’s big blowout and we see some highlights of that. JC opines that no one says FU like Christi. Then he asks if any bad feelings linger from the fight. Kelly says she hopes that they can still have the kind of friendship they once had, but she doesn’t trust Christi 100 percent. Christi says Kelly’s perception is her reality. Kelly says she knows where she stands Christi now. Then we get a reminder of their mending fences a few weeks back and they have a cuddle.
Man, we are just busting a move on this thing! We bring out our next two guests, a pair of comedians named Lisa Arch and Nadine Rajabi who are also Dance Moms super fans.
Lisa Arch (that’s her giggling on the right) wants to know if the Moms ever do anything ever other than be at dance, because it’s putting her off on letting her own son do activities. Kelly says they have very good husbands to help out. And they hire people to do some other stuff. But Melissa hires the most people of all. If she could hire someone to brush her teeth, she would.
Good enough. Let’s talk Mom-on-Mom rage. First a highlight reel. Nadine R. loooooves her some Mom-on-Mom rage. The discussion turns to whether or not the other mothers were afraid of Kristie. And how Christi got the nickname Fat Christi. Christi and Kelly say Asia was the first to say that said her mom is Skinny Kristie and Christi is Fat Christi. From the mouths of babes.
Christi says Kristie is actually shaped like her martini glass — big on top, skinny on the bottom. Lisa does an imitation of Kristie that makes her sound like Joan Crawford.
When we come back from commercial, we talk about new mom ha ing. There’s Jill abuse. And Kaya abuse. A brief reminder of the scab moms. But mostly Kaya, because guess who’s right here in the studio, still rocking her Vertes-meets-Holly makeover! JC calls her a fan favorite. Raise your hand if she’s your favorite, fans. Precisely my point.
We get a reminder of how Kaya got the Black Patsy nickname, then Lisa — who really needs to put her drink down — says she thinks Kaya is actually nice and sweet and kind inside and only acting up because the other moms are scary. Shy Patsy, if you will. Shy Patsy says the other women are bitches. That’s our nice, sweet girl!
JC asks Kaya to assign the other mothers nicknames of their own. We have Mild Mannered Melissa. Holy Holly. Lora epam (that’s Ativan, sedative enthusiasts) Kelly. Cra y Christi. I Love Cathy. Oh wait, make that Cool Cathy. Kaya says Jill doesn’t deserve a nickname.
Nadine and JC revisit the idea that the “Old School” Dance Moms can be tough nuts to crack. Christi says she’s not an old school Dance Mom. She’s a young-school Dance Mom, mister. And Kaya’s an old school pain in the ass.
JC asks the comics don’t they just share his love for how Patsy says people are going to get jumped and shanked. Nadine says something that makes Kaya want to jump and shank her, so she moves over by Kelly and Christi for safety. Lisa says the Pitt Crew moms are a clique and intimidating and Shy Patsy is only having trouble breaking in.
When we come back from yet another commercial break, we’re going to play Ten Dollar Pyramid with Lisa and Nadine. JC is going to flip a square, ask a question and the first super fan to get the answer right gets ten bucks.
Question one. Which sea creature do the Dance Moms think Abby looks like. Nadine plucks the correct answer — Shamu — from the list.
Question Two. Cathy would slit her wrists if Vivi did what instead of dance. Nadine says talk. Or maybe baseball. Wait. What? Everyone’s talking at once. The correct answer is T-ball, but I’m not sure who said it. $ 10 goes to no one.
Question 3. What historical figure have we NOT done a dance about. That’d be Eva Perón. Everyone’s sort of collaborating on the answers, so I don’t think Lisa and Nadine are really going home with extra cash in their pockets.
Next question: What was Christi was afraid Black Patsy would pull off? Lisa says another $ 100,000 contract. “Exactly!” hollers Kelly. Holy crap! Kaya got $ 100,000 for running her mouth and acting like a bully? Well, whatever. The correct answer is Christi’s extensions. Her bleached blonde extensions, Kelly reminds us.
I think I missed a question somewhere in here, but now we want to know where the mothers say Jill got her blue fur vest. Nadine hollers Cookie Monster, which is exactly right.
JC says we fans love to obsess about the Dance Moms’ looks. He asks Kelly and Christi which Dance Mom is most obsessed with her looks. Christi says Jill. She has to put on a fresh coat of gloss in order to get off the bus at 5am. Then we have a highlight reel of Jill’s best looks. The tiger sweater. The fur vests. Cowboy Jill. You forgot the Plethora of Tie Dye in your highlight reel, JC. Or I was typing when you showed it.
Then we move on to the physical evolution of Abby, which really just entails a foofier hairdo and more makeup. JC wraps this talking point up by noting that she mostly looks like John Belushi playing Eli abeth Taylor. Be nice, JC. Ab’s the gal who rescued you from Outrageous Kid Parties oblivion.
After another commercial, we enjoy a highlight reel of Meltdown Moments. Mostly a rehashing of Christi and Kelly defending their kids while Abby belows like a banshee. And Abby doing a little freaking out about Cathy.
Christi says the nasty moments were hard to watch. Nadine says she thinks Abby gets off on being a bitch, but devil’s advocate Lisa reminds Christi that in the most dramatic clip, she said go ahead and replace me when she should have said Chloe. Christi says it goes hand in hand. Hate the mother, hate the kid.
Kelly says she’s been trying to behave herself this season.Lisa says her favorite moments are people leaving dramatically. JC says he loves Christi in a skintight dress and six-inch heels on her knees. We’re still talking about the show, right, JC? Christi says her husband loves her like that, too.
The discussion moves on to the time Abby gave Chloe and Maddie the same solo, back when Maddie and Chloe actually danced on Dance Moms. Christi says Abby did that to shut her up and put the girls on a level playing field. Let’s relive this little disaster, shall we?
Christi sums it up by saying Chloe took the victory in the awards but Abby said no Maddie won and went in search of the judges to tell them so. Out of more than 80 dances that was the only one mysteriously blown. Draw your own conclusions.
Let’s talk about tears. And let’s see some, too. We have Maddie crying. Kelly crying. Paige crying. Cathy crying. Big Mac crying. Jill crying. Paige crying again. Christi crying. Abby crying about Broadway Baby. Cathy crying again. Chloe crying. Abby fake crying to her mother, which is JC’s personal favorite. Kelly and Christi mock away in the inset.
Nadine says she thinks Abby has to think about dead puppies in order to cry. Lisa says watching Cathy cry is like hearing the Wicked Witch talk or something like that.
JC wants to know which of the girls is the biggest cry baby. Give me ten bucks and I’ll tell you, JC. Christi says she won’t throw any of the kids under the bus by calling them that. Kaya, however, raises her hand. Christi threatens to pull out her weave if she says Chloe, but Kaya is undeterred. Kaya says Chloe, Paige and Kendall all cry way too much. Kelly says Kendall’s the one who cries without having a real reason to cry.
Lisa says it’s most memorable when Maddie cries, because it’s artful tears from a real dauncer.
To wrap up, JC wants to know what life lessons our special guests have learned from Dance Moms. Lisa says she learned that there is no more dramatic exit that saying, “That’s it, I’m done!” Nadine says she learned that no matter what people might say about some folk’s icky outfits, they’ll continue to dress badly anyway.
Kaya says this: “Not a damned thing.” You shy little muffin, you!
Kelly says the most valuable thing she hopes her kids have learned is that they’re not going win at everything, so adapt with grace. JC says he believes that the kids who learn that lesson will be the most successful. The underdogs shall vanquish. Christi lends her two cents and says its easy to win but hard to lose and persevere. Kelly agrees. We all decide Maddie’s headed for a serious diva breakdown.
So what say you, Dance Moms nation? Was I totally robbed of my spot on the Dance Moms Chatter comedian sofa? Are Kaya’s contributions worth a hundred grand? Did it look like Kelly strapped her dress on with so much electrical tape? And did we really need all those coffee tables — or this show? Sound off in the comments section below.
On next week’s Dance Moms Chatter Part 2, Abby and Melissa do their time in the hot seat and it looks like Lisa’s been swapped out for someone who looks the Chinese guy in The Hangover movies.
New episodes of Dance Moms return Tuesday, July 16 at 9/8CT on Lifetime.
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Dance Moms Chatter Part One recap: Ten bucks and a beverage for your thoughts
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