Welcome to Miss American Idol, an exciting new reality series from Fox where gorgeous, talented women take the stage and sing for your votes — and then the ones with the skinniest legs advance to the finale.
Wait, that’s not an actual show? Then please someone tell me what I spent two hours watching tonight as a white-hot rage percolated through my circulatory system and turned me into the kind of cussing, fork-throwing (yes, I may have slammed cutlery into the hard wood floor), definitely-not-enjoying-myself monster you’d typically see on a show like Bad Girls Club or The Real Housewives of the Ninth Circle.
Yes, yes, I know…Idol has always been the kind of show that wears its agenda on its sleeve — usually spelled out in the blood of the contestants it hasn’t pre-selected as its Chosen Ones (TM) — but tonight, the commentary from Keith Urban, Nicki Minaj and Randy Jackson was so despicably biased against Candice Glover and Kree Harrison that I half-expected exec producer Nigel Lythgoe to send a marching band across the stage to drown out their voting numbers as they were read. You know, just in case you hadn’t gotten the message.
Add to that the Ringling Bros.-esque parade of dancing ladies, cartwheeling elephants and tightrope-walkers to herald THE OFFICIAL SEASON 12 ARRIVAL OF AMBER HOLCOMB (hinky upper register, occasional flat notes and coma-inducing song choices not included), and you had a recipe for one of Idol’s most blatantly manipulaed, blood-pressure raising, franchise-destroying nights of all time ever.
And if you think I’m being melodramatic, please bear in mind that Candice’s second performance critique was hijacked by Nicki & Co. defending Amber’s cover “Macarthur Park” against Jimmy Iovine’s completely legitimate critique. But then again, Amber can put on a white pantsuit and perform an ancient Celine Dion ballad completely stationary atop a set of glowing fuchsia stairs and be called “current,” “2013″ and “ama ingly perfect.”
Oh. Mah. GAH. I better get to tonight’s set list and letter grades before all my anger causes the internet to implode. (I’ll be back overnight to update this post with full reviews of every performance, so do bookmark, refresh and enjoy!)
CONTESTANT’S CHOICE
Amber Holcomb: Laura Branigan/Celine Dion’s “The Power of Love” | Grade: B
Candice Glover: Drake’s “Find Your Love” | Grade: B+
Kree Harrison: Susan Tedeschi’s “It Hurt So Bad” | Grade: B+
Angie Miller: Jessie J’s “Who You Are” | Grade: A-
ONE-HIT WONDERS
Amber Holcomb: Richard Harris’ “MacArthur Park” | Grade: C+
Candice Glover: Samantha Sang’s “Emotion” | Grade: A-
Kree Harrison: Procol Harum’s “Whiter Shade of Pale” | Grade: A
Angie Miller: Julie London’s “Cry Me a River” | Grade: B+
DUETS
Amber & Kree: Adele’s “Rumour Has It” | Grade: B-
Candice & Angie: Rihanna’s “Stay” | Grade: A
And with that, I’ll be back overnight to update this post with full reviews for every contestant — bookmark, refresh, and enjoy! — but until then, let me turn things over to you. What did you think of Season 12 Top 4 performance night? What did you think of the judges’ comments? Do Candice and Kree have bus tracks on their backs? Who’s going to be in trouble come results night? And will the “special twist” Ryan Seacrest hinted at mean there’s no elimination this week? Dound off in the comments, and for all my Idol-related news, recaps, interviews and videos, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSle akTV!
American Idol Top 4 Performance Night Recap: I Don't Think That I Can Take It
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